Perfectionism: thinking and talking to our children about it this Christmas

My mother-in-law would often say, “anything worth doing is worth doing well.”

I agree with her completely, and in this expression, I can sense all the love she infused into everything she did. But in some ways, this sentence also brings me back to my childhood when, for instance, I would get 80% on a tough exam and be told, “you can do better next time.”

Perfectionism is communicated to us in a variety of ways. Today, given my yoga experience, I prefer to say, “anything that requires my attention also requires my joy.” I’m sure my mother-in-law would have loved this expression too!

Why talk about this? Because the quest for perfection is an ever-present topic among children, and I’ve noticed it in my yoga classes. During these classes, we often hear “Listen to your body!” “Respect your limits!” The same is true in children’s yoga. At first, they don’t quite understand what this means; but after a while, they begin to accept that they might need to adapt a posture, be more patient with themselves, or work on their perseverance (tapas) which, combined, we call the “joyful effort”.

The other day, my nine-year-old daughter declared, with a very serious expression, that she had learned an important lesson. She said “Sometimes, we worry too much about doing things right, and the result isn’t necessarily great. At other times, we get better results when we don’t try as hard!” My jaw dropped! I asked her how she came to such a powerful realization. She replied, “Before leaving on my walk with Daddy, I quickly put my hair up in a bun, without thinking about it too much. It was the nicest bun I’ve ever made. But then, at other times when I try to do it perfectly, it never turns out right!”

Like the “lesson” my daughter learned, I wanted to talk about this topic because the holidays can be a fitting time to pause and reflect on things as a family. I like the idea of “growing together”! Two aspects of perfectionism can be explained to children: “positive” perfectionism, which brings us pleasure and pride throughout the process, and “negative” perfectionism, which is unpleasant, dissatisfying, and prevents us from moving on.

To further develop this idea, we can establish a link with the philosophy of yoga, and specifically Bramacharya, which means “moderation”. According to the Yoga Sutras of Patanjali, living in moderation brings tremendous inner energy; furthermore, “it is excess and extremes which cause us to fall out of balance and saps our energy.” Have you ever thought about this?

While it is perfectly fine to want to do things properly, it’s better to aim for “balanced” perfection, without attachment to outcomes. We will end up feeling lighter, in better harmony with ourselves, better able to overcome failure, more relaxed, and more joyful! Although it might be easy to say, it isn’t easy to do… but ultimately, isn’t this what we want for ourselves and for our children?

So, dear readers, I challenge you to play along. Take advantage of this time to practice “imperfect perfection” or maybe “perfect imperfection” with your kids! And why not play at reinventing some yoga postures… in the snow? Have fun with it!

Merry Christmas, and happy holidays everyone!

Namaste!